[Theme music playing]
Hey.
Julie: oh, hey, hi.
Julie, hold my calls, Please.
Okay.
Boy, you're in a-- You're like.
Well, my...
Is there something--
My star is On the rise.
Is that An expression?
It's A medical expression.
I'm at the bus stop,
And this gorgeous, Gorgeous
Drop-dead woman Comes on to me.
She gives me One of these looks
And says to me,
"Does the number three Bus stop here?"
Maybe She wanted to know
Where the bus Was stopping, though.
Yeah. Well, it says "Number three bus."
Yeah. Well, maybe She'd had, like didn't--
You know, Couldn't see it?
This was different.
She...She looked at me A little too long.
You know what that--
What that's like, Stanley,
A woman looks at you A little too long?
Uh...No.
You know, she was Undressing me with her eyes.
Yeah. And then what?
Then i put A little something on.
[Stanley laughs]
So what happened? Did she get on the bus?
Of course, She got on the bus,
Sat down Opposite me.
Yeah. And, uh...
Then what?
Then, uh, we exchanged Glances, and i got off.
Yeah. And you got off?
You lost me here, Buddy.
I don't know What's going on here.
No, it's just A good feeling
When a young, Attractive woman
Lets you know that she Also finds you attractive.
Oh. All right. Well, sure.
And you're saying, "where's The number three bus?"
In effect, does that?
It says, "I find you attractive"?
When she gave me That look, stanley...
Ah...
That come hither, Come yon.
Step lightly...
Step well.
Step into the night, Young man.
Watch your step Getting on the bus.
Step to the back, Please.
[Laughter]
My only advice to you guys Is public transportation.
It's where it's at.
I had a bad day today.
I went to the one place I don't fit in.
Where is that, fred?
I was outside.
I don't know.
Sometimes i think Maybe all along,
I've really had A great life,
And it's my answering Machine has been broken,
And i didn't know it.
Like, There's great calls,
"This is natalie merchant. I like you.
"I'm going to help you Out a lot
"And be accepting to you.
I'll only call once. Please call me back."
"Fred, this is god. I made a mistake.
"You're supposed to have Christian slater's life.
"Come to third street,
And i'll make Everything better."
I don't know.
I've been trying To do things,
Trying to get out there, Like you tell me to.
That's good.
I've been taking risks.
You know what I did today?
Yeah.
I drank milk That expired yesterday.
I don't care. I did that.
I went to mail A letter to my friend.
I didn't put My return address on it.
It may not get there.
And i didn't put the stamp All the way in the corner.
I put it Near the middle.
And then when I went to mail it,
I didn't jiggle The mailbox lid
To make sure the letter Went all the way down.
I walked the hell away.
You know Why i take risks?
'Cause you Could go any day.
Life is so short.
Look what Could happen to you.
You know, A guy can throw
His dungarees Out the window,
It lands on your head, You suffocate to death.
Then won't You feel stupid
For not doing What you want to do?
Yeah.
Could i-- Could i check my machine,
See if i got Any messages?
I hate those three-day Holidays because,
You know, I don't work anyway.
And i walk the streets, And it's confusing
'Cause it's monday, And no one's there.
Everyone's out Doing something.
I'm not there.
They're barbecuing, they're Leaping, they're hugging,
They're doing fun things.
I'm walking the street By myself,
Going, "Is there mail today?
"Why isn't--is there mail?
"This is not A no mail holiday.
I want mail."
I have these friends.
Ah, they're useless.
Any time I have a problem,
They don't listen.
They give me some Stupid cliché expression.
Like i had a bad day, My friend goes,
"Tomorrow's another day."
Wow, thanks, I didn't know that. Really?
I was so scared.
I see the stores closing, The sun going down,
I thought that was it.
You mean there's more?
I once did the tv guide Crossword puzzle in a pen,
Not a pencil for erasing.
Not only that, But i bought the tv guide
With just one day left In the week.
People go, "Wait for next week."
Get out of here.
What exactly are you Doing there, fred?
I've got this jujyfruit Stuck in my tooth.
You know, jujyfruits?
Yeah, i do. I know.
The candies that get Stuck in your teeth.
Try pulling them out, They don't come out.
Right.
So what are you, What are you -
I'm putting Another jujyfruit.
I'm sending him in To rescue the other guy.
Like, you know, like Commando jujyfruit?
I'll do that. I'm nuts.
I don't care that There's one in there.
I'm taking the risk that He won't get stuck, too.
I can't really Endorse that, fred.
Did i tell you,
I know this guy Who owns a laundromat?
Uh-uh.
I don't kiss his ass.
I treat him Like everyone else.
I'm a rebel, you know.
People go, "Ooh, there's larry.
Oh, larry, i--" You know what i mean?
And i think they like me 'Cause of that,
'Cause i'm aloof.
Yeah.
Like kiefer sutherland.
Hey, ben.
Hi, dad.
Could you not sit there?
Because i got-- I need to use the table.
I sort of said, "Don't sit there."
That's what i said.
Okay, okay.
So that when you move, I could--
I need the room To sort here.
What are you--what exactly Are you doing here?
I'm just going through My mail, you know.
What's this enormous pile Of letters?
I get A lot of junk mail
Because i put myself On a master list.
Yeah.
And i've been collecting, And it's like a hobby.
[Sighs] i think--
I think that it's gone A little too far.
The amount of mail that comes Into this house, i don't--
I think it's getting To be an intrusion.
Big mistake.
But i think You need to write them
And tell them to stop Sending you junk mail.
Or talk To the post office.
I've been writing them, But, you know,
They're mostly thank you Notes for sending.
What?
Please tell me That's not true, ben.
Yeah. Well, because, You know what--
Nobody sends A thank you note.
Well, i've developed Kind of a, uh...
A fascination With the mail.
What is this?
One, two, three, Four packets
Of ultra henna--
Ultra henna bouquet.
They sent free samples.
Yeah, but why did They send you four?
How does that work?
Well, i ordered one, And then i re-ordered.
Oh, you ordered Under four different names.
Yeah--ben katz, benny katz, B. Katz, b.B. Katz.
See, that's how it works.
That's very clever. Same address.
Be very clever if We wanted four packs of...
Well, you never know--
What exactly Is this stuff?
It's for your hair.
It's henna For your hair.
It's a hair treatment.
What does it do For your hair?
I'm not sure.
I haven't read The brochure yet,
But i sent away for The free samples and--
I don't think You need it, either.
I mean, you have A beautiful head of hair.
You think so?
I'd kill for a head Of hair like that.
I'm going to kill you.
[Laughs]
[Intercom beeps]
Laura, can you come In for a second?
Dr. Katz, Do you need something?
Okay, i'm going To go back out.
No.
Hey, wait, laura, here's What i wanted, was--
Do you notice anything Different about me?
Well, you've moved Your desk lamp
Into an awkward position.
Anything more personally Different about me?
Um, no, no, Nothing worth mentioning.
Nothing? Take a good look.
Take your time.
Well, your hair Is bright red.
That's it. You got it.
I'm doing fine, i'm trying To lose the weight.
It's not easy, kevin.
I'm trying. I'm constantly dieting.
I can't lose weight.
Yeah.
I retain everything. I retain air.
I stopped going to the All-you-can-eat restaurants.
All you can eat-- Think of that, dr. Katz.
Yeah.
All you can eat.
You're not supposed To eat all you can eat.
I saw This one restaurant,
It was actually called "More than all you can eat."
Who goes To these restaurants?
Huge men go To these restaurants.
"I'm not done eating yet.
"I still have A little bit more room
"Left in my esophagus.
"Could someone
"Put their foot In my mouth, please?
"Step down on my throat.
"I know i could get a couple Of more feedings in.
More sour cream, please!"
"Would you like The large fries,
"The extra large fries,
Or the valve closer With that?"
"I'll have The valve closer, please,
With the complimentary iv Of pork gravy."
"Assuming there's No blockage in your colon,
"Would you like To take a look
At our dessert wagon?"
Doot, doot! This thing is huge.
Teamsters are Driving it in!
Doot, doot! Cheesecakes here!
And that was never any Special kind of cheesecake,
Except new york Imported cheesecake.
You ever see that On the menu, dr. Katz?
Imported New york cheesecake?
I grew up in new york.
I don't remember When i was a kid,
"Hey, billy, let's go down To the docks!
The cheesecake boats Are in!"
[Panting]
You know, i was talking
To my aunt rose Not long ago,
And she was one Of my favorite aunts
When i was a kid.
She lived way up In the mountains.
Was, uh...
Uh, what was the name Of the mountain?
It was--
I think you said It was iron ore mountain.
Yes, iron ore mountain.
It was a beautiful mountain
That had refrigerators Stuck all over it.
She had a metal plate In her head.
Often you'd see her
Flying Through the neighborhood
Towards the mountain.
"I'm going to the store For goat's milk.
"Does anybody Need anything?
"Oh, my god, Look at kevin down there!
He's got a big old puss On his face."
You lost me on that one, Kevin, i'm sorry.
I don't know, dr. Katz.
I'm just tired of The same thing every day.
Sure, everybody--
Getting up and working
And not having the fun That i want to have.
Yeah.
Why am i always screaming?
All day long, I'm running and screaming
And trying To exhaust myself,
So when i finally hit That pillow, i'll collapse.
I can't, I can't, i can't relax.
Do you have An active sex life?
Do you have Sexual desires?
Do you have Sexual fantasies?
I do have sexual desires. I do!
I have to go To the bathroom now.
Hello?
Ben? Yes.
Hey, can you Do me favor?
Can you check In my bathroom?
Uh-huh.
There should be one of Those ultra henna packets.
I just want you to get that And read the back to me.
I knew You'd come around, huh?
To my way of thinking.
Well, i did something So stupid last night.
What did you do?
Well, i tried it, You know,
And i left it in There too long, you know.
Oh, you used it.
Yes, so--
That's not stupid. I did it, too.
My hair's bright red Today.
Yeah, that Happened to me, too.
I think we both left it In too long.
I think That's what it does.
Can you check the packet
And see if there's something On there about undoing it?
Because i can't go Through life like this.
It's not, uh...
You know, you should Just live with it.
Yeah. I'm going to.
But i think, Eventually, it fades.
Well, eventually...
You know, into a nice auburn Or a mahogany, you know.
I don't know, ben.
You know what, dad? I did my arm hair.
I don't believe that.
The chest And the back...
Oh, god. Too.
I just think I got carried away.
But i wanted to be A total redhead, you know.
I mean, a total--
So would you go Get the packet, ben?
Just read this to me, What it says on the back.
I got one right here
'Cause i was About to re-do it--
I don't think that Is a good idea.
Get this A little redder.
I think that is A not good idea.
It isn't red enough. I'm going to--
I think we're barking up A tree called danger.
Now it says, It says rinse, repeat.
Well, you do What you want to do.
I'm going to three-peat.
Just give me the number Or something i can call.
Would you do that?
Is there any information About this?
Well, there is an ultra henna Bouquet hotline number here...
What is that number?
That we can call.
It's a 1-800 number.
Okay.
1-800-hot henna.
I'll be ready In one second, okay?
Let's--when I get home tonight,
Let's call That number, okay?
Oh, okay.
And, you know, dad, It says right here,
When you call the number,
You can talk to The henna helper lady free.
Free of charge. They don't charge.
But you know Why they don't charge?
Because she's laughing So hard at us.
I'm nuts. Hoo-hoo!
Why do you say that?
I was reading this book.
In the middle of it,
Without memorizing Where i was up to,
I slammed it shut Without a bookmark.
Yeah.
Bookmarks Are stupid anyway,
Now that I come to think of it.
I said that, I don't care.
I mean, Is this a necessity?
You see some guy
Running into a bookstore With a book open.
"Oh, you have bookmarks. Thank god."
I don't know, But i do know. I do.
I have a cd disc man,
And it has a button On it called "random."
Do you know What that is?
Yeah.
It randomly shuffles The songs around,
And you never have to hear Them in the same order.
Ooh-hoo, it's nuts.
I'm always at the edge Of my seat, going,
"What song is next? What song is next?"
I take nothing For granted.
I saw billy joel On the street and i said,
"I'm familiar With your latest cd,
"But not in the order
You want me To be familiar with it."
And i met this girl Last week.
I said, "do you want To go back to my place?"
This is true.
She goes, "you're not Going to kill me, are you?"
What kind of A question is that?
Like, if i am, i'm going To be honest about it
And go, "yeah, i don't know. I may kill you,
"I may not, i'm not sure.
"I'm kind of tired.
I think I'll just wound you."
I asked this girl out.
Mm-hmm.
She goes, "i don't think That'd be a good idea."
Idea, like it's a theory I'm working on.
My first blind date
Didn't get past The first phone call.
I'm talking To this girl.
Right away, she goes, "I'm on the rebound.
My boyfriend hurt me."
She goes, "i thought Just to get back at him,
I'd sleep with some guy,
But, nah, that Wouldn't hurt him."
I go, "Nah, maybe it will."
Worst thing is talking To a girl on the phone,
I know The conversation's over,
She wants to Get away from me,
In the middle of A call she goes, "anyway."
You ever hear that? "Anyway."
It's like, "go to hell, Hope you die."
I'm so impulsive. I'm nuts.
I was in a store.
Yeah?
I bought a pen For 79 cents.
I didn't even need it.
I just saw it, picked It up, and bought it.
The pen was 79 cents.
I gave The cashier 80 cents.
I walked the hell away.
I said, "Keep the penny. "
I'll say it to her.
Right to her, I'll say that.
I went To a movie theater.
That was also impulsive.
I didn't even know What i was going to see.
I just walked in,
And i even missed Some of the credits.
Then i bought Some popcorn,
I ate it right there In the lobby.
I didn't savor it For the whole movie.
I live in the moment.
Sure.
I was on an escalator The other day.
Yeah?
I let go Of the handrail,
Then i put my arms up In the air. Yeeee!
You can't stop me. Don't even try.
I'll take you Down with me.
I have An older sister.
My parents Finally told me
Why they Like her better than me.
Why is that?
She's older, and They've known her longer.
Oh.
When i was a kid, This was very traumatic.
My father, he sat me down For a talk,
And i knew right away Something has to be wrong
Because he very Rarely talks to me.
He goes, "Fred, sit down.
"Fred, i don't know how I'm going to tell you this.
"Well, you're going to have To find out sooner or later,
"And i might as Well tell you now.
You're a homosexual."
I couldn't believe it. I was shocked.
I said, "why?"
He said, "Because you're thin."
And how did you get along With your mother, fred?
There's not a lot Of warmth and affection
Between me and my mother. I asked her about it.
I said to her, "Mrs. Stoller..."
But she bothers me All the time
'Cause i quit college.
She's always going,
"When are you going to Go back, get your degree?"
I go, "what for?
What's it going To do for me?"
This is her reason, She goes,
"You'll be able to say You're a college graduate."
Like i'm not able To say it now?
What, like i try, I go, "i'm a ca-ga-gagua.
"I'm a college ga-gagua.
Damn, four credits short. I almost had it."
Dad, whatever you do,
Don't malign the product Because...
I understand. I know how this works.
I'll try to be--
I'll try to handle This delicately.
Because this a product I believe in, and--
Hi, uh...I'm wondering If you can help us.
My son, uh...
Hello. On the line.
Yeah. He used your product
And didn't look at The directions very carefully.
I love your product, By the way.
And, uh-- I love the product.
Let me handle this, Ben, okay?
And i'm just-- Go ahead.
I'm just wondering
If there's anything You can do to help him
Because he really--
You know, I also want to get
On the personal care Mailing list, too.
Let's come back To that one.
He really could use A little help,
And i'm wondering If there's some way
That you can talk him Through undoing this process
In which he made His hair much redder
Than he had Intended to do--
Well, we both did, Not that we--
We love the products, And we both--
Look, lady, we look Like a couple of freaks.
You got to help us.
Hey, dad, come on, all right? You know, tone down.
Yeah, no, We'll hold on.
Yeah. Thank you.
Hey, you know What we could...
We could certainly do Other toll-free calls
After this one.
Yeah, i'm not sure That's a good idea,
But i have enjoyed This little time together.
Should i put on the tv While we're holding,
Get us a snack Or something?
What?
We could share a bowl Of popcorn while we hold.
What could she be doing?
I don't know.
I picture her as kind Of a mad scientist type
With wild, red hair.
I wonder if that's Part of the job
That they all have to Have this wild, red hair
That we now have.
You know, Maybe we shouldn't
Drag this hannah the helper Into it, you know?
"The henna helper."
"Hannah, The henna helper."
Now, dad, you know, we have Something to do at night.
I don't know, ben.
Maybe we Should just relocate
And start life again As redheads.
Dad, you can't turn down A toll-free call.
That's all there is to it.
Maybe we should leave Her out of it
And then just send them A thank you note.
Let me write it.
You know, I don't like traveling
Because every time i check Into the hotel room,
They're trying To get at me.
Nobody respects the "do not Disturb" sign anymore.
They're still knocking On the door.
Bang, bang, Bang, bang, bang!
"Hello, housekeeping, Housekeeping.
"Do you need more towels?
Do you need more towels?"
"No! I have About a hundred towels
"In the room right now!
"What man is going through A hundred towels a day?!
I don't think I could get any drier!"
Bang, bang, Bang, bang, bang!
"Hello, this Is room service.
"Would you Like some chocoletes?
"Come on, Take a chocolete.
Take-a two, Take-a two chocoletes?"
"I don't Want the chocoletes!
Leave me alone!"
If you're Not in the room,
They leave the chocoletes On the pillow.
I don't like that.
You come home Late at night,
You don't See the chocoletes.
You're waking up, 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning,
"Oh, my god, I've pooped the bed!"
I don't know.
People tell me, "you know When you meet a girl,
"You know When it happens?
When you're Not looking for it."
When's that?
When i'm asleep,
They're going to break Into my apartment?
"Hi, i'm debbie.
You weren't looking For it, here i am."
I'm always Looking for it.
What else Is there to do?
Every thought's connected To that frustration.
Like my uncle died, And i'm upset,
But i'm thinking,
Maybe i'll meet Someone at the funeral,
Maybe a cousin-- I don't care.
Yeah.
I don't know.
Women-schmimen.
One time, i said that. I went, "women-schmimen,"
And this woman Who heard me say it,
She goes, "Don't say that. Boo!"
"Boo!" Like i'm sexist.
It's like they're going,
"We're tired Of being called schmimen.
We're not schmimen."
[Piano music playing]
Whoops, you know What the music means.
Oh, that reminds me.
I'm sorry. Our time is up.